My Baby Boy

My Baby Boy

I can’t believe he is one. It feels like the last few months have just flown by. I will probably be saying the same thing in a few years, but instead of months I will be saying the years have flown by.

How do I feel about today? How do I feel about the past year? How do I feel about having a toddler?

Today, I feel relieved.

I feel relieved that we made it to a year. I feel like I have a tiny little miracle and have been afraid to fully embrace him. I’ve always felt (and so has Luke) that something is going to be wrong. It started with the pregnancy. I couldn’t ever get the point of enjoying being pregnant because after I got used to the idea we had problems. Once Greyson was born, knowing the circumstances of him having the cord wrapped around his shoulders in a knot and him being deprived of oxygen, I just felt dread. I dreaded hearing what complications the Doctors would find. When I was told that I had a perfect little boy, I couldn’t get the thought out of my head that complications would arise. Through the doctor appointments, concerns about weight & height, bouts with pneumonia, small developmental delays, etc., to me it all confirmed my worst fear. Something is wrong with him. It will be at the next doctor appointment that they tell me that they found out what is wrong. Somehow, 1 year later, I feel relieved. I finally feel like I can embrace him and forget about some of those earlier complications. Now that he is a “toddler” and not a baby for some reason all I see is a healthy gorgeous little boy. Today, I feel relieved.

Looking over the past year, I feel sad.

I feel sad that the first year is over never again to be relived. I know that the past year has brought milestones that I can never get back. Greyson will never have that newborn smell again. I will never be excited when he rolls over, takes a bottle, and sleeps through the night. I’m sad that these things which were such big things throughout the first year will be little (to be forgotten) things going forward. Looking over the past year, I feel sad.

Looking forward, gives me joyful anticipation.

I feel like there is so much to experience with him and I want to get to everything. I need to keep reminding myself that we have time to do everything and we need to embrace all the little things. I can’t wait to see him taking his first steps, telling me that he loves me, carting his animals around in his shopping cart, etc. I can’t wait for him to cuddle on my lap while watching a movie, climb into bed with Luke and I on a Saturday morning and help us cook. These things that I can’t wait for will come and I just need to be patient. Looking forward, gives me joyful anticipation.

My goal for today:

To savor the day and what it brings. What he learns, does and experiences. Savor it for what it is and document it with pictures. That is my goal for today.

My baby boy – I love you more than I thought would be possible.